It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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