There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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