god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
