I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
