girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
