Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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