she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
