I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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