I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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