Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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