It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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