My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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