my room smells like sperm. sweet.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
