If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
