hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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