If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
