I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
