My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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