my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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