Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
