So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
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Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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