is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
