bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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