i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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