so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
