I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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