I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
