I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Help. Why am I so naked?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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