i need an iv and a liver transplant
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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