I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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