and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
