Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
This is the prime rib incident all over again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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