Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
