You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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