if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
