Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i've created a new STD.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
