matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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