Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
