I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
