im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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