Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
