Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
