I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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