and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
tell me about the eggs
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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