True but thats because hes a fetus.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
