Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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