One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
sarcasm needs its own font
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
