I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
