This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize