Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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