I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
