my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
