It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
