I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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