Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I pour the whiskey from now on
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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