Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
