I heard we made out
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
